i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
