The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
