true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
