Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
