I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
