Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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