Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
