Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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