I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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