It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
