I'm going to jail i love you
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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