when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
