omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
