ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
