I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
