i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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