plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
