I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
