I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
