I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
