yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize