this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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