she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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