i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
