im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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