Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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