haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
