Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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