one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
