my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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