happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
