I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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