Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
