How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
