They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
