remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
