Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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