hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
