hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
