you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
