I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Randomize