Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
