You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
