He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
