sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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