I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
