I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
