and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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