You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
