I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
