Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
