was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
