only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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