Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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