That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
