I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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