i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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