Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
