I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
