you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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