I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
what day is it and did you see me today?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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