I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
