yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
