all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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